Summary of this week’s episode:

• A masquerade ball happens.
• After declaring to Caggie that he’s loved her for six years and being told completely unreasonably that now wasn’t the right time yet as he’d been seeing other girls for those six years and had just dumped one of them, Spencer sensibly reverts to his ‘Plan B’: ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’. Plan B involves telling Millie that Spencer isn’t going to take her to the masquerade ball and is going to move on, because the fact she wants to take things slow means she is not at all keen. I knew someone who looked that slimy must have an ounce of cunning – Spencer knows this means Millie will just tell Caggie, despite promising not to, and hopes this will prompt Caggie to action.Unfortunately Spencer clearly just inherited the slime and none of the cunning from whichever of his forbears was a snake in human disguise or just a snake the Matthews clan liked to copulate with. Trying to make someone like Millie, for whom primary school was clearly a challenge, a pawn in your game is a bad idea. Millie tells Caggie that Spencer doesn’t feel anything for her anymore. Pretty sure he wanted to play the ‘I’m so hurt and now I need to get over you’ card, not the ‘I don’t fancy you anymore and want to hook up with other girls card’, Millie dear.

  So naturally they have a large row at the masquerade ball. Teasers for next week indicate Miss Dunlop and her husky voice are off to New York. Because making it in the Big Apple will be so much easier than London…

   

• Rosie tells Agne that Francis and Fred are planning on sharing her between them without letting her know. My main problem with this plot is how on earth would she not know that she is seeing two men at once, unless they drug and kidnap her, but then surely she would know something was up with the large bouts of memory loss she suddenly gets. Traditionally she would be the two timing whore and they the unsuspecting injured parties. But hey, this is Chelsea, nothing seems to be normal here.So Agne is unhappy about this and tells Francis so. Francis confronts Rosie at the masquerade ball and tells her she’s an interfering bitch. She tells him his mask makes him look he has a knob on his head and walks off. Mark-Francis looks on with puppy like delight at the drama clearly written all over his face.Agne turns up at the ball and tells Fred it’s over between them and hands her notice in to Francis, then leaves immediately.

   

• Rosie the minx clearly likes interfering a lot this week and decides to stir up shit with new couple Hugo and Millie. After coming to the conclusion that Millie is weird for going out with a man that Rosie has turned down, Rosie and Amber conclude that Hugo would so ditch Millie if Rosie changes her mind. As any good friend, Rosie decides to test this theory by going up to Hugo and asking what he would do if she ‘hypothetically’ said she was interested. Hugo in a dazzling moment of non-slimyness says it wouldn’t matter because he’s actually committed to Millie now. Rosie’s eyes widen and that’s about it.Oh, Hugo tells Millie Rosie was being all hypothetical and after being appropriately sentimental to Millie then suggests they have sex on the piano a la Pretty Woman.  The slimyness oozes back onto Hugo.Then a pissed Millie confronts Rosie about this at Amber’s shop, because Amber’s jewellery range needs a plug, not because Millie actually cares, as there is NO emotion on her face EVER.

   

• Ollie pisses Gabriella off at the Masquerade ball by having letting another woman flirt with him. Later in a random park, Ollie decides Cheska’s vagina is lonely and so propositions a cute guy reading at the park on her behalf. Turns out cute guy is gay and is not turned on by Ollie’s endorsement of Cheska’s tits and is actually more interested in Ollie’s flowing locks. They arrange a date. 
• Fred randomly sings opera at the masquerade ball which is obviously staged because the artful camera work fails to conceal there is hardly anyone there and because an entire ball does not stop to hear some model with dodgy hair sing opera. Then Fred gets dumped. Sucks to be Fred.

Questions I would like answered/notes the production team should probably think about

1. Why does no one else seem to work at Francis’s diamond empire?
2. How on earth did Agne get the job as intern?
3. Why do the female cast members just widen their eyes every time some plot development happens? Is this a sign that they have led such gilded lives they don’t know how to act disappointment?
4.  Why does anyone think Hugo and Spencer are hot?
5. Why does Binky not know who wrote Winnie the Pooh?
6. Why is Binky called Binky?
7. Please cut Ollie and Frederik’s hair. It would make it more believable when people hit on them.