It’s summer, people are coupling up and being nauseatingly lovey dovey and I’d like to be taken out for Pimms. This is naturally a recipe for me to rejoin that cesspit of cyber hormones called OKCupid.

Having encountered the specimens for presentation on there, I am reminded relentlessly how awful some men truly are at chatting people up. My pet peeves can be sorted into three categories:

The bland opening line

Seriously, I spend half an hour filling out a goddamn profile with my likes, dislikes, inside leg measurements and a pithy synopsis of my personality that says I’m cool without sounding like I’m trying hard to be cool and I get a one line message? One line that is along the lines of: “Hey, you seem nice, are you alright?”/ “Hey, cute smile, how’s life treating you so far?”, etc.

Jeez, what do you want me to reply to that, the polite answer – “I’m fine thanks, how are you”, which will presumably result in a stilted conversation about the weather. Or the truth? “Hi, I’ve currently got horrendous period pains, the foxes appear to have turned my garden into a dump – literally they’re emptying our neighbours bins in our garden and taking a dump there, and I’ve just spent the day eating my own bodyweight in junk food to deal with the terror I have about the upcoming working week. How are you?”

Nope, I don’t know which the better option is either.

The body shots

I have thankfully yet to be graced with any penis shots via the world of online dating, but have seen plenty of pictures of men’s abs.

Now I appreciate a six pack as well as the next person, but believe it or not I’m actually interested in the person behind the muscles. Poser shots like that just scream, I have no personality, the gym monster ate it alive and I’m hoping my muscles will give off such vibes of virility that you will just drop your knickers and shag me immediately, nonetheless.

Most of the time I’m just thinking “you tosser” or vaguely concerned that he will catch a chill.

The profiles that particularly bemuse me, are those that literally just show a guy’s chest and nothing else. You just wonder what’s wrong with his face. Is he a Minotaur?*

*Might just be me that has that sort of thought process.

Text speak/bad grammar/poor spelling

In conclusion…

I’m going to buy my own vat of Pimms and get drunk with my friends, thanks.