Never one to resist a publicity stunt in a bid to improve his image after Tampax-gate and the machinations of Princess Diana, the Prince of Wales decided to have a documentary tribute to his darling mother to celebrate her Jubilee. Except for a bit of a struggle at the start with remembering how to speak normally for the common masses (because when one is of the upper classes sounds beyond horsey grunts are unnecessary to communicate with your peers, and, really who else do they speak to most of the time) the Prince put on an admirable facade of decorum and of almost being bothered to string some words together to talk the British people. He even managed to show his humanity with some well-timed mechanical chuckles (which might need a bit more work for all the diplomatic work he’s supposed to do) and a few watery tears here and there, which some no doubt will think are crocodile tears but I have no doubt were prompted by the crushing truth that his mother has been on the throne for sixty years and he is unlikely to ever achieve that now (unless the elixir of eternal youth is invented at some point in the next twenty years).
Read on for a round up of the stunning observations and questions this deep and insightful exploration of the Royal Family has to offer:
- The Queen likes corgis. A lot. In fact I suspect most of the video footage was originally shot of the animals, the kids just got in the way. Bet she’s thinking ‘phew, one was lucky’ now she has all this footage demonstrating how much she loves her children.
- Prince Charles doesn’t like his younger brothers. Or maybe the Queen doesn’t – but either way there wasn’t really much footage of them as children in this documentary.
- That having one’s own ship with a water slide on it would be bloody fun. And having the Royal Navy on call as babysitters is mighty useful too. Working mothers take note.
- Prince Phillip is as barmy as he appears at Royal events. And that possibly makes him the most amusing member of the Royal family.
- The Queen wore the crown a lot to practise wearing it for the coronation. And that Charles knows it’s really heavy – PROOF that Charles goes around Clarence House wearing it too, to practise for his coronation in, say, about ten years time?
- On the subject of crowns, when Charles was instated as the Prince of Wales and got his own dinky crown and the Queen leaned in to kiss him on his cheek – does anyone else think that that was in fact a pretence to whisper in his ear ‘savour this crown, because it’s the only one you’re getting for a long while’.
- Prince Phillip can perhaps foretell the future and that him burying his children up to their necks in sand was a feverish attempt to stave off all the scandals to come. Bet the Queen regrets telling him to dig them out.
- Princess Anne, of the school-teacherly ‘I’m going to put you in detention until you’re begging for more equine science homework’ hairstyle, surprisingly had angelic golden curls as a child. So she either didn’t eat her bread crusts as she got older or something happened to hideously destroy her soul (realising the depressing monotony a Royal life entailed?), because I really can’t see how she went from cherubic curls to the stern, beehive she wears now to EVERY engagement.
- That having a member of the Royal Family on your sports team means you will win, as proved by Charles’s sports day footage. Let’s put them all in the Olympics, Zara can’t be expected to carry the whole GB team! I want to see Prince Edward box!