Middleton Mania

The wedding may have been almost two months ago but Middleton mania doesn’t seem to be subsiding. When the media isn’t dissecting Kate’s outfit at every event, it’s perving on Pippa’s pert posterior as it plonks itself onto privileged seats at tennis tournaments etc. Now my own shameful wedding cooing has subsided and it is becoming increasingly obvious that actually Kate and Pippa have the dress sense I aspire to have when I hit my late thirties at the earliest (ok I will admit I love this Jenny Packham dress Kate wore) I really wish they would do something to make the inevitable column inches dedicated to them more interesting.

Now, if the Middletons really want to make a name for themselves (and judging by that ambitious glint in Pippa’s eyes, she really does), I suggest that they model themselves on other famous families in history/fiction:

The Skywalkers

William will one day be monarch of a minor country that somehow seems to still have a say in national events. He also wears ridiculous outfits. So basically William is Padme Amidala, which makes Kate, erm, Anakin Skywalker. This theory can be worked with; Kate was a commoner just like Anakin was a slave and now she is well on her way to world domination. Charles could even be Yoda, with those ears. MI6 should start surveillance on Kate’s wardrobe, see if she starts wearing a lot of black…

The Von Trapps

Wouldn’t it be amazing if the Middleton clan just burst into song at random intervals. They could do appearances on Glee. Harry could also be the Nazi kid to Pippa’s Liesl.

The Woodvilles

A family of commoners who married into the Royal family in the fifteenth century, when Elizabeth Woodville married Edward IV. They arguably contributed towards the continuation of the Wars of the Roses because all the nobles were fed up of the power these commoners received and also cross that all the eligible heirs and heiresses were being married off to Woodvilles. I’m sure plenty of horsey blue bloods were put out that the daughter of an air hostess beat them to a prince. Now if only they would leap onto horses and charge at each other with long wooden poles in non-polo match setting…

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Breaking Dawn Trailer

Lots of twi-hards got their appetites whetted for the next instalment in the Twilight soul sucking franchise, with the release of a trailer for Breaking Dawn Part I. Not much happens in the trailer, which always bodes well for a film, but at least it is an accurate reflection of the book.

Basically the trailer involves various people opening letters with ridiculously dramatic music gathering momentum in the background. What sort of letter merits such an accompaniment you may ask. Well it could be a bill, Taylor Lautner certainly pissed about getting his. Or maybe a bank statement, I share the confused look, Bella Swan’s dad has, when I open my bank statements.  This doesn’t explain the gleeful look on Bella’s mum’s face or Michael Sheen’s though. Maybe it has turned into a reality show and the actors are being filmed getting their pay cheques. Michael Sheen is thinking selling out to mainstream crap never paid so good and Lautner thinks his abs are worth way more than that. Which would explain him stripping AGAIN, he is clearly trying to prove a point.

Sadly, such speculation is proved wrong when the camera finally pans in on the contents of THE ENVELOPE and reveals it’s just a wedding invitation. The music then gets MORE DRAMATIC as Bella walks up the aisle, but to be frank, Robert Pattinson looks so pale and gaunt I’d be scared to keep walking too, his smile is blatantly that of a man who knows lunch is arriving.

Then there is lot of passionate kissing and Pattinson’s hands crushing the headboard with passion. If I were Bella I wouldn’t be happy about bits of headboard in my hair. But I guess that’s the least of her worries as Pattinson impregnates her with a baby that will eat its way out of her. Now why that couldn’t be featured in the trailer, I don’t know, it would be so much more interesting and worthy of DRAMATIC music.

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Run the World (Girls)

So after rumours of jealousy that hubby Jay Z has been giving protégé Rihanna all the career-boosting steamy songs to sing, Beyonce has re-emerged with ‘Run the World (Girls)’.

Now I’m all for songs that empower females. However, for a song to empower it needs to command respect as a song. Unfortunately Beyonce’s latest offering to the music world lacks a) a good tune and b) good lyrics. This unfortunately makes her message a bit of joke, no matter how many wild animals she drags into the video or edgy McQueen outfits she wears.

Clearly her producers are hoping daft women will just hear the title (which also happens to most of the lines in the song too) and think ‘yeah lets go girls’ and buy the single in a fit of female solidarity. I’m really hoping they are wrong.